So what happened?
Everything… Everything happened.
I lost everything, and I mean everything. University, my place to live… everything!
It’s strange to be on the other side looking back. Even though it was a completely horrific experience. An absolutely massive shift in my life happened!
So there I was in a hospital bed looking around. I’m not dead so that’s good… wait let me check, yep not dead.
OK so I’m going to recover. I have been in the hospital for about a month and I’m scared but alive. Plus this has happened before so I know the drill. I know how to be strong in face of epic danger. I had to tech myself to be last time 11 years ago. Wow has it been that long? I don’t want to have to have theses skills but unfortunately, fortunately I know how.
I’m suddenly reminded that most people will never know pain like this. Never have to learn these skills. I’m jealous but also hope no one else has to ever feel this way.
So I’m not dead… just checking again becuase that was a close one. OK then let’s get life in order. It’s time to fix what’s broken in my life.
I don’t want to go into exactly what happened that I’m the hospital but here I am recovering. I’m already in survival mode and the only real feeling I have are absolute desperation and fight! I’m scared like a soldier on a battlefield but focused on the sight running down my rifle.
I’m aware that with all this a massive change is happening to who I am as a person. Caused by all the drama. I am definitely not the same and still changing.
But I’m going to be OK and its time for damage control. I phone my University and explain the situation. As I expected they understand. As it’s going to be a while before I can lave the hospital they suggest taking a medical year. I can have the rest of the year to recover and then come back in September like it never happened.
It was when I spoke to the housing office that everything fell apart. Being on a medical year means I can no longer get my student loan. It also mean I am longer entitle to student housing where I live and have no way to pay for it. So I need somewhere to live untill next September. Luckily this England and getting medical benefits untill then should be no problem.
Should be no problem…
When I speak to the housing office though there is a problem. If I am on a medical year in the eyes of the benefits system I am still a student and not entitle to any medical benefits.
The words rang out in my mind…
“…not entitle to any medical benefits…”.
That was it. Catch 22.
So there I was. In a hospital bed. Fresh off the phone with the Housing Office…
That’s right I’m doing all this from a hospital bed.
I had lost my health. Lost my place to live. Lost this year at University. Technically Homeless… and now not entitle to any help from the benefits system.
Wait… this cant be right! Nope I’m homeless and have no more money coming in.
It’s a strange sensation to lose everything. To watch as everything important in your life falls apart. Yep all gone now!
Wow could I use my family right now. They are just the perfect solution to all of this. I know I can just ring my mum. Tell her I’m sorry and I need them. Then stay with them untill I can sort my life back out.
Then I’m reminded of how it felt to decided I didn’t want them In my life anymore. What had happened for me to make a decision like that.
“Nope!!! I will fix this myself.” Lots of people in this world survive without family. When stuff like this happens they shut up and deal with it.
For the first time in years I cried. I couldn’t remeber the last time I cried. I just nearly died and now I have lost my income, my place to live and I’m about to lose my place at University. How can this even be worse! The moment came and passed quickly as I pulled myself back together. I spent a moment angry at the universe for taking everything from me. I wanted out of this hospital… now! But wait… I have no where to go!
As that passed I was filled with overwhelming motivation… very angry, anger driven motivation. I can remeber thinking “Just watch me put this back together!”. I have no money. No where to live. I’m going to lose my place at university and get no help from the benefits system. But just watch me fix this. See how well I can solve problems and I will do it all from this hospital bed!!!
I decide to speak to my University. I want to see what they can suggest I do.
A few days later I’m on the phone with a senior staff member. He says “What we can do is officially withdraw you from the university. That will give you all the documentation you need to get medical benefits. Then we can unofficially hold a place for you next September.”. I have no other choice and that’s what I do.
I would later find out that no place in fact was being held for me.
So after a few emails the documents come through. I was quickly refereed to the Emergency Housing Team. Only problem was it was in my home town becuase I was still registered there medically. I really did’t want to go back to that S**t hold but hey, I didn’t want any of this to happen.
I was placed on benefits as a few more days passed. It wasn’t much. Just enough for food and necessities. So first problem solved.
The woman in emergency housing dealing with my case was really nice. She was just a little older than me and took a little pity on me. I always felt better after talking to her.
The thing with emergency housing is; It’s for people in exactly my situation. People that have become homeless through some act of god. It is though abused badly by drug addicts and alcoholics. They skate around the system somewhere between being homeless and having a crappy place to live and do drugs.
Things in the hospital had got better. I was now able to leave but they where not going to just kick me out onto the streets. So I could just stay in a private room until Emergency Housing found me a place. I was able to take a walk to the local shops every day and it was nice to just have little freedoms again.
I was not looking forward to this next part. I know that this place they are trying to find me is not going to be nice. 90% of the people who live there will be drug addicts and it’s going to be in a really bad part of my old home town.
A week or so passes and they finally find me a place. I go fill out forms and pick up the keys. Finally I’m out of the hospital!
It’s in a really bad part of my home town. The area has a serious reputation but apparently has gotten a little better since I left. When I get to the block of flats it looks like somewhere I really do not want to live. The only bright side is that a few of my close friends grew up here. So I know the area well from hanging out with them growing up. That’s the only bright side about this situation.
When I get inside there is one tiny room with a tiny kitchen and bathroom. I catch a glimpse of a few of my neighbours walking in and it was just as I expected. They look like run down addicts.
Suddenly I realise I have nothing. All my stuff is now in storage back in Bristol where my University is. All I have is one overnight back from the hospital with a few cloths in it and a laptop. I decide not to get any of my stuff and was debating keeping the laptop. Most of the people here can’t keep a TV without selling it for drugs and I don’t want to be a target.
I have no bed in this empty tiny room just big enough for a small bed. I would give anything after my time in the hospital for some home comforts. I have a little money saved and decide to order the cheapest bed I can online. The emergency housing team has promised to help me out with a second hand fridge and oven.
The area is a set of shops and cheap food places around a square grass area. Then around that are rows of run down blocks of flats. Gangs of people sometimes hang around in the square.
I thought I had left this all behind. I thought I had worked hard to get away from places like this. Now I’m back home remembering why I left.
I grab some food from the Chinese in the square then sleep on the hard wood floor using my bag as a pillow. As I feel asleep I can remeber telling myself “This is just the next step. Just get this part done and things will get better”. I think that moment will stay with me forever. As a monument to what I can overcome. Emotionally I’m in a really bad place but remember the skills I told you I have… The ones I wish I never had to learn!
I woke the next day to my bed being delivered. Brand new bedding was the most luxurious thing I’m my life right now. I felt a little better by the time it was setup.
So here I was one step up from being on the street. In a really bad building in a really bad area. This was though “Temporary Accommodation”. I was on the list for a better place. All I had was my phone internet, a laptop and few clothes. Time began to pass.
Most people kept to themselves and mistrust was the general vibe in the building. There was one other normal looking working person there. I have no idea how he got there and was not going to find out. Before a new place was found for me the new school year was coming up and I decided it was time to get ready and claim the place that was promised to me.
After a few confusing emails I find out that there was in fact no place being held for me. That holding a place for a “dropout” student was not a thing! They asked me for a record of it being offered to me and I suddenly remembered this was all said over the phone. Why didn’t I get this in a email so I had a record? I know this! So stupid! I was just so tired in the hospital I was making mistakes.
I asked the university what I could do and they said I was have to make a new application like a new student. That ment I might not be accepted again. All the work I did to get into a good University gone! Now I have to go through the interview process and write the entrance essay again.
I had waited so late in the year to confirm my place. It was still 3 months untill school started but applications for new students close way before that. Not only have I lost my place but I have to wait another year. I was devastated!
So I had lost my place at University and my housing situation was not good.
My luck was about to change. The universe was about to finally ease up and send some hope my way. A brand new set of flats have just been built with a privet gated garden entrance. The set of 5 flats where even built on some land behind the original houses so you could walk right past it have have no idea it was there. Super Safe!
It turned out that the agency that built it wanted to offer these brand new full one bedroom flats to people who really needed them. My housing officer said they might be interested in my case!
I was offered to view the flats and then a few weeks later I found out not only had I got one but I could take first pick out of the 5 flats. They where all duplicates with a few very small differences but still suddenly I felt so much better.
It was only then I realised how bad I felt for a long time. I had been out of the hospital for months now and was in such a battle mode I didn’t really notice.
I had all my stuff sent down and moved in ASAP. I felt like I had been crawling though a desert since I was admitted to the hospital and finally there was water.
I had my TV, my Computer, My clothes and all my other stuff again! God I missed my stuff!
The flat was in the area was the area I grew up in. Just a street across from my old house. Not the nicest area still but a little better. After a while that fear I felt walking around outside left.
As I settled in things didn’t feel back to normal though becuase I still didn’t have a place back at University. I was counting the days untill I could enter my application.
I was feeling so much anxiety from not knowing what would happen to me. I was dreaming of the life I could have working the kind of job I could get with that degree! Now it might all be taken away from me!
I decided to apply for all the places I did last time with one small change. Last time I was accepted to all of my choices but my home town. What was strange about this is my home University was my lowest choice, plus I lived there. It was so strange not to get in. I spent some time looking at my options and found a University so nice to replace it that it was now my second choice. With Bristol, my old university, still being my first choice.
I had my application in basically the day after the online portal opened. Shockingly 3 of the universitys that had accepted me last time rejected me quickly. This scared the life right out of me. 3 of the 5 unsuccessful. A friend said that it’s probably becuase I’m reapplying and Universitys don’t like that becuase it means something bad happened.
All I had left was Bristol and my new second choice. I was scared to death that I was about to be rejected by all of my choices! Not long after my new second choice invited me to an interview. It was a good sign and I really needed to get in anywhere at this point.
Going to see the University was nice. It was a lot more chilled out that Bristol is and that tempted me to switch it to my first choice. Students at Bristol can be a little hyper competitive. It was a tiny posh town with a really new and fresh looking closed campus. I did the interview and my interviewer used that tactic where they make you think its going really badly to see what you do. I have seen interviewers do this before so I was ready to adapt. Annoyingly though it ment that after I had no idea how well I did becuase she made it seem like it was going horribly.
A few days after I go the acceptance email and a massive weight lifted from my shoulders. I had a place at a University and my second choice!
Then I finally get an email from Bristol. I had already sent a email to the Admissions Officer at Bristol explaining what had just happened to me in the last year and a half. The Admissions Officer sent me an email back saying they could not offer me a place back on year two where I would have been becuase the syllabus had changed so much. But they could give me a place back on year one.
Finally!!! So I could start year one at my second choice or go back to year one at Bristol. I love Bristol city and have friends there so I decided quickly to return.
I can remember the moment I put in Bristol as my firm choice. Thinking about everything i had been through to fix everything! My life was finally all back together!
Being in the hospital thinking I was going to die. Losing my place at university. Losing my place to live. Being refused help and benefits. Having no money coming in and being too sick to work. Being technically homeless for weeks! Spending months in that deranged crack den of a building looking over my shoulder every day.
So It’s been a while now since I was accepted and things finally feel normal. I was expecting to have a massive emotional scar from the experience and to have to work at being complacent. Instead I just feel stronger and more connected to something bigger. Life is a bit wearied for me now though. I spent some time the other day with my neighbours drinking and eating food in the garden getting to know each other a bit. I felt like I don’t know how to be me. Because I’m just different. I’m making better choices and that means not feeling the way I used too, not thinking the way I used to, not speaking the way I used too and not doing things the way I used too.
I am more than I was.
whitetekk 