Today is a very good day for me. I just received an an invitation to a interview at my first choice university. Since I read the email I have been thinking… “What is it to be good at something?”
I have the perfect song for this post!!
Its funny because when I think about being good at something I get a single image in my mind. You might even say that playing the guitar, for example, is a skill. The truth of it is that it’s not “one” skill but a combination of many different things. After all what is potential without the motivation to practice and whats the motivation to practice without free time. Even more so whats the point of this whole paragraph if our imagery person never owned a guitar.
People talk about how the cure for cancer could be locked in the mind of someone who couldn’t afford a education. I think its more fun to suggest that its locked in the mind of someone who was just lazy. In fact I know 2 people who where close friends of mine who are exactly like that. Or what about a girl who could be the future saviour of the world if only she wasn’t born into a family of sociopaths. Maybe there are all these little jokes gods cracking that you have to be omnipotent to see and he just sit there and laughs and laughs.
This reminds me of idea I was playing with the other day. I was thinking that I should bring up my kids to be the solution to the words problems. Or, well, my small worlds problems. whats funny about that is… by the time they grow up the world will have changed and all I would have created is the salvation of a world that doesn’t exist any more. An idea that had its day for a generation that old and dying.
You could say I should try to create them to fix the worlds future problems. Maybe I should just hit a casino instead.
Reading back through most of my posts I realized most of them are kind of depressing. I quickly found after starting this journal that writing about my problems is a good tool to release some unwanted emotions. I would love to say I’m about too write a more positive post but unfortunately I can’t. I think though I might come back in a few days and write one. I don’t want to read all of these posts back in a few years and think my life was just one depressing mess because thats not true at all.
So I have been hoping for something to happen for a long time. I don’t want to go into details and hopefully that wont affect this post. Let just say I’m hoping for something that I can’t obtain myself and I have to wait for it to be given to me.
In the movies and books people always talk about hope being this magical thing that can motivate you and get you through hard times. I do feel hope like that but in this case its just not like that. There is hope but attached to the hope is the pain of not having what Im hoping for. It like some ridiculous emotional loop. It’s gotten to the point where this pain is the driving force in my life. With realizing that comes the epiphany that for as long as the hope is there so will the pain. It’s been 6 years now maybe I should just give up.
Giving up doesn’t mean much. The way I act wont change and and my motivation will be unaffected. I’m just hoping that if I let go of the hope I can let go of the pain and just move on. It’s kind of funny to say it like that. I’m hoping to let go of hope 😛
At least I have the fact that it’s not fault. I can see that now. I also know that even if I get what I want it wont be long before I just want another thing. My life isn’t so bad. I got a perfect score in 8 out of 9 classes last year and I’m waiting to hear from some of the best universitys in the country. If I can let this pain go maybe I can just be happy instead of focusing on this one thing I don’t have.
After finishing this post I can see now that I need to work on not letting that bad in my life stop me from being happy about the good.