Loser

So I had the strangest experience the other day.

I’m was staying in a hotel for a few nights while I waited for my new flat to become available. Nothing special. Just somewhere cheap that had just a little luxury. I was there over the weekend. It was mainly filled with people in their 20s, who had booked a room for the night so they could go out clubbing and maybe bring someone back to the hotel.

So its the first night and I’m failing to login to the wifi. It was asking for my email address so I decided to go up to reception to make sure they had the right email on file.

Once I get to reception I’m greeted by the blond girl who checked me in a little while before. Now this girl had a bit of that edgy, fuck you, attitude that you normally find with people who work this kind of job. Too meany drunken guests and ridiculous complaints I guess had left her hating her job. She literally gave the minimum amount of politeness and customer service needed to do her job without getting fired.

So as people like this go she acted like my tiny request of checking the email was extremely rude of me and had some how ruined her day. Even though the structure of all her sentences was completely polite.

She tells me that the email was fine with a tone of voice designed to make me feel as stupid as possible.

At this point I’m not annoyed or angry. I’m too old now for something like that to even register on my radar. Plus I’m used to seeing that “I hate my job, the customers and my life!” attitude in people who work in the services industry.

So the reason for the post is what she said next. It caused me to feel something I’m still trying to pick apart and understand.

As I walked off she muttered under her breath… “loser!”…

It wasn’t just the word it was the tone of voice. In fact more the tone of voice than anything. A contamination of a word and emotion I havnt felt since the playground. Like she was that dumb and angry 15 year old girl and I was that introverted smart kid with good grades.

Like she would say it and then all her (fictitious) beta school friends would repeat it and that would somehow make her cool and powerful.

Just as her mouth closed from saying the word I first felt shock. Could this “girl” in her mid-late twenties still be that emotionally simple?

In that split second she was like an open book. Like all she ever had in life was to make her self feel better was to put others down. Like we all grew up and she was left behind.

I felt seriously confused. My mind just didn’t know how to process it.

Stranger still she had that look of self satisfaction on her face after. Like becuase she said it she was definitely better than me now.

In the mean time while my brain tried to find a set of emotions to describe itself my internal monologue began.

I felt ridiculous before I even started. I’m used to comparing myself to my pears at university for motivation. I go to one of the best Engineering University in the word. Had I spent too much time with these guys that special had just become normal!?

No this is out of place for anyone her age.

I though about telling her how I was signed the first time to a record label at 19. That my perfect A level exam score puts me in the top 6% of people in the world. But this line of thinking still didn’t lead me to how I really felt. It just made me feel stupid just to think it.

Maybe to understand stupid you need to feel stupid.

There was so much irony in who she chose as a stranger to call a loser.

I then started to think about that maybe her emotional immaturity was one of the reasons she has been left working one of the lowest jobs society has to offer. I could tell she wasn’t brightest fish in the sea. Maybe this is a clue as to how she ended up working as a hotel receptionist.

But this still didn’t get down to understanding how I felt… and now I just feel bad for thinking about her that way. Even though she might deserve a reality check.

It all just went without saying untill I was was left with an emotion that went without an explanation.

Am I angry? I’m defiantly confused.  A little shocked… and I kind of feel bad for her. But there is still something… something more I cant describe. This feeling I don’t understand.

I guess I’m just not used to not understanding myself.

 

 

 

 

Loser

Epic before the wipeout

Epic! All of it!

The truth about Epic is that what goes up must come down. It was hope in the fear… It was fear in the elation.

I was helped by death. I had drinks with suicide. .. .. .. Shes kind of nice even if she dose keep trying to kill herself.

I don’t even have words for what just happened. Abstract or not. But its over now.

The last time I posted was two months ago. Im still truly happy but more so I’m truly tired. I just need to something for a bit… Sleep just doesn’t feel powerful enough of an action to recover from this.

So lets just say it how it is and try not to write a bible.

I travelled and met. Played the best game with the best friends and learned. Had my mind destroyed into something beautiful. Saw a child born where the constellations spoke… and so the enemy attacked. and so the enemy attacked.  I can’t talk about the death box.

I ran becuase I could, my mind opened and it ran becuase it could. I had the best time in wonderland. Didn’t worry about Game untill they found me on the bridge.

Man to read this back sounds crazy… I’m not even half done with the story. Am I speaking abstractly or just writing nonsense!?

It means something to me!

Where is Amy?

 

 

 

 

Epic before the wipeout

Being myself

11 years is a long time… 11 years as a walking puzzle. Solving small parts but I was unsolvable.

That moment I was waiting for. hoping for really…. 11 years is a long time but they made it easy on me.

They came down to tell me who I was!

Why did they wait so long… I thought I was unwanted. Un-chosen. Family-less. Loveless! Walking nowhere in pain. With the knifes from the black hands of everyone who was suppose to care for me in my back.

11 years treated as an outsider… a nothing!

I thought I was alone!

Unwanted.

So I I tried so hard at my impossible puzzle.

I had to prove I was worth something even if I held nothing… was given nothing… was taught nothing.

They used to like to teach their kids in front of me. They called them small gifts… knowing that to me they where priceless.

A priceless toy for a kid to throw away ;(

The only thing I can say I was given was enemies in the places I should have found love.

But they came down to tell me who I was 😛

Truth!

Truth!

Truth!

The truth is I was chosen at birth.

They wanted me to walk it.

The proof is in my name.

I can finally live.

I can be!

My name is Ben! and its more than I could have asked for!

It’s time to dry my tears!

 

 

 

 

Being myself

Unexpected Places

So a moment I was waiting for happend. I felt so much like I was asking the world why I couldn’t change the things I wanted in life for the better. I felt complete before but now I know that completion was knowing that what I wanted was a lie. Power is just wanting to help others.

I thought intelligence was some kind of elitist thing. The truth is that being elitist is a lie. Power is knowing that. I found the smartest people in places I wouldn’t expect. Hope is that I could write this today and you could read it. Hope is that there are no choices. That means you don’t deserves this pain. Hope is that we tried to help you. If I read this before I wouldn’t understand it. So just have hope.

Change can be amazing. Lessons learned with no pain. If you can’t help yourself maybe someone can.

Unexpected Places

Reading It back

Wow reading this blog back after not posting for about 2 years was amazing and crushing at the same time. Its funny because I though I was doing the right thing and I had so much motivation to do the right thing… I just couldn’t understand the concept of being self righteous. It is always like that looking back on yourself though. Always!

It’s not all bad but I said a few things that sounded dumb and elitist. Sometimes because of my lack of writing skill and sometimes because I was just dumb and elitist.

Reading it back I can feel again how I felt back then. I was so angry at the world. I was angry because I wanted to do good things but I felt like the all the other people around me where in the way of that. I mean people are still in the way of me doing that its just now I know how to jump over them and do it anyway…

Powerless is the way to describe it. I felt powerless in life.

I remember feeling lost looking for other good people. In one of my last posts I spoke about hiding my good intentions because other people didn’t know how to deal with it. That as it turned out was the key to me realizing I was not alone.

So what about me now… I just feel so happy right now. I have been at peace with myself for a long time but now I guess I’m at peace with the world too. I have lost a few things the old me would be have been crushed to lose but still I’m just happy. I feel like God has just been poring so much light into my life and I feel so loved. For no reason at all. Like right now I have everything I want even though I have nothing.

I wanted to put that in because next time I read through all this I want future me to know at this time for a long while you where truly happy!

I can remember feeling before at the mercy of other peoples unwarranted attacks on my life and happiness. Now I feel like other people are at the mercy of how I deal with their unwarranted attacks. It’s given me a confidence I just can’t describe.

Music is still pulling me apart a bit. With university I just don’t have time for it. I have time to make music just not time for the aggressive and obsessive take over of my mind. I don’t know what I’m going to do after university. Its been good for me. I used to think I was smart but as it turned out I was Just a big fish in a small pond. Its been humbling to meet these guys. I would say guys and girls but lets face it I’m a Computer Science student 😛 These guys are nuts. Not only are they crazy smart but they have the motivation to study all day. But I’m learning new skills like how to find the motivation to study in a heat wave. Me… studying to keep up… who would have thought… old me would hate that.

Reading It back

Broken Halo

I’m trying to stand tall

but my emotions are low

I guess this is what happens

Living life with a broken halo

I can make art

I can write with so much depth

Then I remember my halo

and now I have lost my breath

A masterpieces made

Just to fall apart

This is causing  me pain

why did I even start

So now I sit waiting

For divine intervention

And now I sit waiting

For divine intervention

 

 

 

 

Broken Halo