Wow reading this blog back after not posting for about 2 years was amazing and crushing at the same time. Its funny because I though I was doing the right thing and I had so much motivation to do the right thing… I just couldn’t understand the concept of being self righteous. It is always like that looking back on yourself though. Always!
It’s not all bad but I said a few things that sounded dumb and elitist. Sometimes because of my lack of writing skill and sometimes because I was just dumb and elitist.
Reading it back I can feel again how I felt back then. I was so angry at the world. I was angry because I wanted to do good things but I felt like the all the other people around me where in the way of that. I mean people are still in the way of me doing that its just now I know how to jump over them and do it anyway…
Powerless is the way to describe it. I felt powerless in life.
I remember feeling lost looking for other good people. In one of my last posts I spoke about hiding my good intentions because other people didn’t know how to deal with it. That as it turned out was the key to me realizing I was not alone.
So what about me now… I just feel so happy right now. I have been at peace with myself for a long time but now I guess I’m at peace with the world too. I have lost a few things the old me would be have been crushed to lose but still I’m just happy. I feel like God has just been poring so much light into my life and I feel so loved. For no reason at all. Like right now I have everything I want even though I have nothing.
I wanted to put that in because next time I read through all this I want future me to know at this time for a long while you where truly happy!
I can remember feeling before at the mercy of other peoples unwarranted attacks on my life and happiness. Now I feel like other people are at the mercy of how I deal with their unwarranted attacks. It’s given me a confidence I just can’t describe.
Music is still pulling me apart a bit. With university I just don’t have time for it. I have time to make music just not time for the aggressive and obsessive take over of my mind. I don’t know what I’m going to do after university. Its been good for me. I used to think I was smart but as it turned out I was Just a big fish in a small pond. Its been humbling to meet these guys. I would say guys and girls but lets face it I’m a Computer Science student 😛 These guys are nuts. Not only are they crazy smart but they have the motivation to study all day. But I’m learning new skills like how to find the motivation to study in a heat wave. Me… studying to keep up… who would have thought… old me would hate that.