Being myself

11 years is a long time… 11 years as a walking puzzle. Solving small parts but I was unsolvable.

That moment I was waiting for. hoping for really…. 11 years is a long time but they made it easy on me.

They came down to tell me who I was!

Why did they wait so long… I thought I was unwanted. Un-chosen. Family-less. Loveless! Walking nowhere in pain. With the knifes from the black hands of everyone who was suppose to care for me in my back.

11 years treated as an outsider… a nothing!

I thought I was alone!

Unwanted.

So I I tried so hard at my impossible puzzle.

I had to prove I was worth something even if I¬†held nothing… was given nothing… was taught nothing.

They used to like to teach their kids in front of me. They called them small gifts… knowing that to me they where priceless.

A priceless toy for a kid to throw away ;(

The only thing I can say I was given was enemies in the places I should have found love.

But they came down to tell me who I was ūüėõ

Truth!

Truth!

Truth!

The truth is I was chosen at birth.

They wanted me to walk it.

The proof is in my name.

I can finally live.

I can be!

My name is Ben! and its more than I could have asked for!

It’s time to dry my tears!

 

 

 

 

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Being myself

Unexpected Places

So a moment I was waiting for happend. I felt so much like I was asking the world why I couldn’t change the things I wanted in life for the better. I felt complete before but now I know that completion was knowing that what I wanted was a lie. Power is just wanting to help others.

I thought intelligence was some kind of elitist thing. The truth is that being elitist is a lie. Power is knowing that. I found the smartest people in places I wouldn’t expect. Hope is that I could write this today and you could read it. Hope is that there are no choices. That means you don’t deserves this pain. Hope is that we tried to help you. If I read this before I wouldn’t understand it. So just have hope.

Change can be amazing. Lessons learned with no pain. If you can’t help yourself maybe someone can.

Unexpected Places

Reading It back

Wow reading this blog back after not posting for about 2 years was amazing and crushing at the same time. Its funny because I though I was doing the right thing and I had so much motivation to do the right thing… I just couldn’t understand the concept of being self righteous. It is always like that looking back on yourself though. Always!

It’s not all bad but I said a few things that sounded dumb and elitist. Sometimes because of my lack of writing skill and sometimes because I was just dumb and elitist.

Reading it back I can feel again how I felt back then. I was so angry at the world. I was angry because I wanted to do good things but I felt like the all the other people around me where in the way of that. I mean people are still in the way of me doing that its just now I know how to jump over them and do it anyway…

Powerless is the way to describe it. I felt powerless in life.

I remember feeling lost looking for other good people. In one of my last posts I spoke about hiding my good intentions because other people didn’t know how to deal with it. That as it turned out was the key to me realizing I was not alone.

So what about me now… I just feel so happy right now. I have been at peace with myself for a long time but now I guess I’m at peace with the world too. I have lost a few things the old me would be have been crushed to lose but still I’m just happy. I feel like God has just been poring so much light into my life and I feel so loved. For no reason at all. Like right now I have everything I want even though I have nothing.

I wanted to put that in because next time I read through all this I want future me to know at this time for a long while you where truly happy!

I can remember feeling before at the mercy of other peoples unwarranted attacks on my life and happiness. Now I feel like other people are at the mercy of how I deal with their unwarranted attacks. It’s given me a confidence I just can’t describe.

Music is still pulling me apart a bit. With university I just don’t have time for it. I have time to make music just not time for the aggressive and obsessive take over of my mind. I don’t know what I’m going to do after university. Its been good for me. I used to think I was smart but as it turned out I was Just a big fish in a small pond. Its been humbling to meet these guys. I would say guys and girls but lets face it I’m a Computer Science student ūüėõ These guys are nuts. Not only are they crazy smart but they have the motivation to study all day. But I’m learning new skills like how to find the motivation to study in a heat wave. Me… studying to keep up… who would have thought… old me would hate that.

Reading It back

Broken Halo

I’m trying to stand tall

but my emotions are low

I guess this is what happens

Living life with a broken halo

I can make art

I can write with so much depth

Then I remember my halo

and now I have lost my breath

A masterpieces made

Just to fall apart

This is causing  me pain

why did I even start

So now I sit waiting

For divine intervention

And now I sit waiting

For divine intervention

 

 

 

 

Broken Halo

Emotions Please Catch Up

I feel like my mind ran off into a futuristic wonderland of ideas a a long time ago now but my emotions still think I’m 13 years old. I wish my body could catch up and produce emotions that represent my mental state. For once can I just buy toiletries at the supermarket without feeling embarrassed… just once… Common body we have been doing this for years now and everyone poops.

So¬†anxiety got me down today. It was one of my oldest friends birthday and he wanted to go out or drinks. No big deal right… So the time comes and I jump into a taxi to a local pub. I had never been there before and walking in the first thing I noticed was that the place was a bit of a dive. To my mind this was no problem though because the crowd¬†looked friendly¬†and hey, I grew up drinking in pubs like this.

So I make way way out to the back garden to see my close friend with about 7 other people. As I walked over to the table I was greeted with a bit of a shout and a friendly “Hey” from the group.

Apart from my friend who was¬†celebrating his birthday I wouldn’t really say the other people where my friends. More friends of a friend. Though we had spent enough time together that I knew them all quite well and I liked them. After the hello two of them came with me to the bar to grab some drinks and we had the normal catch up. We talked a little music and I was happy.

So thinking about it this looks like it could be a good time right? Nothing wrong… So why as soon as I sit back down with my first drink was I hit with absolutely crushing anxiety. Seriously body. Why would you do this to me.¬†There was nothing out of place and I didn’t have a worry on my mind. I was happy before and now suddenly this for no reason.

The first thing I note is that the¬†anxiety is so bad that people can see it. My hand is shaking just a little and there is no way I can hide the other effects. After getting annoyed by that I try to calm myself down, focus inward and take a few slow deep breaths. No luck… after a few minutes¬†pass this didn’t even make a dent in the way I feel. As more time passes I try not to let the other effects of the¬†anxiety wind me up. I can only just follow the conversation now and any attempt to string together sentences and join¬†in would be impossible.

I feel some anger come on as I realise it would be imposable to be my bubbly talkative self. All I can expect from myself now is zombie… mindless phone¬†in face¬†zombie.

I’m not sure what was hurting me more at this point.. that fact that I must look like a social retard or the pain in my stomach and chest… no wait its the¬†anxiety, yep defiantly the¬†anxiety.

So I’m half way through my first drink and there is no way out of this. I would give anything to stay and have a good time but the pain has gone over the point I can bear it and I give in. I finish my drink and tell my friend that I’m feeling a cold coming on and want to get a good night sleep. Now I just have to grit my teeth untill the taxi gets here in half a hour. I didn’t feel better until I got out of the taxi nearly a hour later.

I felt so angry and disappointed. I think I felt angry and ashamed at what just happened for a few hours after I got home. It’s rare for me to let life get me down but this just got to me. All I wanted was to a have a good night. Just a few hours of being a normal person. Instead for no reason I have a¬†crippling¬†anxiety attack.¬†I think I was more angry at GOD TBH. It was the classic why do you just let these bad things happen to me.

I normally like to end my posts with something bright or clever. Sadly I can’t this time. I didn’t lean anything from this situation. All there was to lean is life can be cruel and I’m sick of that lesson. There was nothing I could have done differently. I could have¬†tried to bear the pain to see if it would pass but from experience I know that would be unlikely. It just was not¬†my day.

Emotions Please Catch Up

Lets Get Real

Can “I” make a math joke… I feel I need to put something real in here instead of the mad ramblings most of the last posts have been.

I have been trying to stay away from depressing music but after discovering Witch House this has proven to be impossible. I thought I would include a link for anyone who is thinking WTF is Witch House. I think someone said in the comments “Who’s soul did you have to sacrifice to a demon for this track to be made”.

On that note I have officially given up music. Why?… I guess I just ran out of souls to give… more seriously… its complicated. ¬†I would put a sad face in here because I feel sad, but this is not a time for being sad its a time for growth and evolution.

It was hard because it was such a big part of my life. Everyone around me growing up had no idea what they wanted to do… Just a direction they wanted to go in. I though knew… with every part of myself I wanted to be a producer. I would get so exited just to find any time I could to put into a track. What’s ironic is losing that passion I held for 9 years as soon as I take a year out to work on music. ¬†But then that’s life.

I kind of felt like part of me died for a bit. I had to do that thing where you tell yourself you will move on and this is just the way things are, even though if I could I would give so much to change it.

So now I’m kind of lost with about 7 months untill the start of my degree. I have a plan though kind of…. haha I always have a plan. When I get a little closer to enrolment I will get ahead on some reading. Brush up on my calculus.

So times are weird and don’t really know who I am now. I guess I’m finding out who this new me will be. Me the Computer Engineering student is probably likely. Me the Network Security buff… Hopefully.

Right now I just need to fill my time. Get a hobby some would say… but I’m still a little heart broken for that right now.

You know when I was 16 I would dream about sitting around all day doing nothing. Now I do that I absolutely hate it. I have discovered the depths of my laziness and I don’t like it. Lazy me likes to sit with plates around himself even though all he has done all day is get up to make himself food.

WOW crazy moment. I was thinking after reading this back… If this was a part from the book series of my life. This post wouldn’t mark the end of a chapter, it would be the end of a book.

 

Lets Get Real