Endless

 

Forgive me I am still working on my personality… and I have no idea when I will be finished…

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Endless

Broken Halo

I’m trying to stand tall

but my emotions are low

I guess this is what happens

Living life with a broken halo

I can make art

I can write with so much depth

Then I remember my halo

and now I have lost my breath

A masterpieces made

Just to fall apart

This is causing  me pain

why did I even start

So now I sit waiting

For divine intervention

And now I sit waiting

For divine intervention

 

 

 

 

Broken Halo

Emotions Please Catch Up

I feel like my mind ran off into a futuristic wonderland of ideas a a long time ago now but my emotions still think I’m 13 years old. I wish my body could catch up and produce emotions that represent my mental state. For once can I just buy toiletries at the supermarket without feeling embarrassed… just once… Common body we have been doing this for years now and everyone poops.

So anxiety got me down today. It was one of my oldest friends birthday and he wanted to go out or drinks. No big deal right… So the time comes and I jump into a taxi to a local pub. I had never been there before and walking in the first thing I noticed was that the place was a bit of a dive. To my mind this was no problem though because the crowd looked friendly and hey, I grew up drinking in pubs like this.

So I make way way out to the back garden to see my close friend with about 7 other people. As I walked over to the table I was greeted with a bit of a shout and a friendly “Hey” from the group.

Apart from my friend who was celebrating his birthday I wouldn’t really say the other people where my friends. More friends of a friend. Though we had spent enough time together that I knew them all quite well and I liked them. After the hello two of them came with me to the bar to grab some drinks and we had the normal catch up. We talked a little music and I was happy.

So thinking about it this looks like it could be a good time right? Nothing wrong… So why as soon as I sit back down with my first drink was I hit with absolutely crushing anxiety. Seriously body. Why would you do this to me. There was nothing out of place and I didn’t have a worry on my mind. I was happy before and now suddenly this for no reason.

The first thing I note is that the anxiety is so bad that people can see it. My hand is shaking just a little and there is no way I can hide the other effects. After getting annoyed by that I try to calm myself down, focus inward and take a few slow deep breaths. No luck… after a few minutes pass this didn’t even make a dent in the way I feel. As more time passes I try not to let the other effects of the anxiety wind me up. I can only just follow the conversation now and any attempt to string together sentences and join in would be impossible.

I feel some anger come on as I realise it would be imposable to be my bubbly talkative self. All I can expect from myself now is zombie… mindless phone in face zombie.

I’m not sure what was hurting me more at this point.. that fact that I must look like a social retard or the pain in my stomach and chest… no wait its the anxiety, yep defiantly the anxiety.

So I’m half way through my first drink and there is no way out of this. I would give anything to stay and have a good time but the pain has gone over the point I can bear it and I give in. I finish my drink and tell my friend that I’m feeling a cold coming on and want to get a good night sleep. Now I just have to grit my teeth untill the taxi gets here in half a hour. I didn’t feel better until I got out of the taxi nearly a hour later.

I felt so angry and disappointed. I think I felt angry and ashamed at what just happened for a few hours after I got home. It’s rare for me to let life get me down but this just got to me. All I wanted was to a have a good night. Just a few hours of being a normal person. Instead for no reason I have a crippling anxiety attack. I think I was more angry at GOD TBH. It was the classic why do you just let these bad things happen to me.

I normally like to end my posts with something bright or clever. Sadly I can’t this time. I didn’t lean anything from this situation. All there was to lean is life can be cruel and I’m sick of that lesson. There was nothing I could have done differently. I could have tried to bear the pain to see if it would pass but from experience I know that would be unlikely. It just was not my day.

Emotions Please Catch Up

Lets Get Real

Can “I” make a math joke… I feel I need to put something real in here instead of the mad ramblings most of the last posts have been.

I have been trying to stay away from depressing music but after discovering Witch House this has proven to be impossible. I thought I would include a link for anyone who is thinking WTF is Witch House. I think someone said in the comments “Who’s soul did you have to sacrifice to a demon for this track to be made”.

On that note I have officially given up music. Why?… I guess I just ran out of souls to give… more seriously… its complicated.  I would put a sad face in here because I feel sad, but this is not a time for being sad its a time for growth and evolution.

It was hard because it was such a big part of my life. Everyone around me growing up had no idea what they wanted to do… Just a direction they wanted to go in. I though knew… with every part of myself I wanted to be a producer. I would get so exited just to find any time I could to put into a track. What’s ironic is losing that passion I held for 9 years as soon as I take a year out to work on music.  But then that’s life.

I kind of felt like part of me died for a bit. I had to do that thing where you tell yourself you will move on and this is just the way things are, even though if I could I would give so much to change it.

So now I’m kind of lost with about 7 months untill the start of my degree. I have a plan though kind of…. haha I always have a plan. When I get a little closer to enrolment I will get ahead on some reading. Brush up on my calculus.

So times are weird and don’t really know who I am now. I guess I’m finding out who this new me will be. Me the Computer Engineering student is probably likely. Me the Network Security buff… Hopefully.

Right now I just need to fill my time. Get a hobby some would say… but I’m still a little heart broken for that right now.

You know when I was 16 I would dream about sitting around all day doing nothing. Now I do that I absolutely hate it. I have discovered the depths of my laziness and I don’t like it. Lazy me likes to sit with plates around himself even though all he has done all day is get up to make himself food.

WOW crazy moment. I was thinking after reading this back… If this was a part from the book series of my life. This post wouldn’t mark the end of a chapter, it would be the end of a book.

 

Lets Get Real

Demons

You wont find demons in that dark scary place, in the wood or under the bed. The truth is… they are in our schools teaching our kids… in our care hospitals praying on the weak… and in our political institutions eroding everything they touch.

They walk in daylight with polite smiles on their face. They tell us being greedy and selfish will help us fit in. They don’t lock us in prisons, they convince us to lock the doors to our own jail cells.

If it is only natural for a human to be greedy and hate-full then I must be more than human… post-human. But maybe, just maybe I am only human, and I hope for us all I am.

 

Until we decide, remeber, a demon is nothing more than a young teenager rebelling against their father and… at some point our father will come home.

 

Demons

Would they be so different?

So I was just thinking. If we found an alien civilization would they be so different to us? If they had the same level of technology as us probably not.

First I though well you would probably find square buildings right..  we build square buildings because it make make a lot of sense to do that. They are not just going build strange shaped buildings like you see in the moves just because they look cool. They would have to be some kind of logical shape.

They would probably use a bunch of the same materials we do as well. After all we use them because they where easy to invent and easy to make. So it likely they have made a bunch of the same discoverys as us. After all they are on a alien plant not in an alien universe. Chemistry and physics would still be the same.

They would also be social and live in groups. You don’t get very far unless you share information and resources. Thinning about that they would also have to have some kind of schools. I don’t you would expect every person on the planet to discover and teach everything to themselves. You just wouldn’t get anywhere.

Hospitals, Doctors and Police are all also very likely. Some kind of book like object would have to exist. Maybe even a kind of internet.

Probably so very far away there is a alien guy thinking about adding new post to his on-line journal.

Would they be so different?

I wish I was special

I wish I was special… Even right now as I listen to this song I don’t feel I could say  anything to please that part of my mind.

I have taken a year out of University to work on music. Why… because I wish I was something. To be an artist is so deeply embedded in my mind now that I don’t think I could feel complete doing anything other than this.

This cycle I’m in right now is crazy. I wonder at music untill I feel inspired. Then I start a new track. I work and work on it until that part of my mind that has wondered at some of the greatest artists of our time hears what I’m making. After this all I can do is hate myself for not being as good as I would like to be. At this point I could be working on the next number 1 hit of this week and it wouldn’t matter. All I can hear is what I’m not making.

Let the cycle continue… Why do I hate this so much? Why do I love this so much?

What happens when the day comes that I give up on music and decide to just be a normal person. Time is ticking and I’m not sure if future me could deal with that. For even day after what my life is not would be a consent reminder.

If I’m not a musician then who am I.

There is pressure from everyone around me to do it. They hate their lifes and wish me to join them in that mundane existence. I dont think I could explain what this means to me if I tried.

What is an identity crisis anyway…

I wish I was special