So I had the strangest experience the other day.
I’m was staying in a hotel for a few nights while I waited for my new flat to become available. Nothing special. Just somewhere cheap that had just a little luxury. I was there over the weekend. It was mainly filled with people in their 20s, who had booked a room for the night so they could go out clubbing and maybe bring someone back to the hotel.
So its the first night and I’m failing to login to the wifi. It was asking for my email address so I decided to go up to reception to make sure they had the right email on file.
Once I get to reception I’m greeted by the blond girl who checked me in a little while before. Now this girl had a bit of that edgy, fuck you, attitude that you normally find with people who work this kind of job. Too meany drunken guests and ridiculous complaints I guess had left her hating her job. She literally gave the minimum amount of politeness and customer service needed to do her job without getting fired.
So as people like this go she acted like my tiny request of checking the email was extremely rude of me and had some how ruined her day. Even though the structure of all her sentences was completely polite.
She tells me that the email was fine with a tone of voice designed to make me feel as stupid as possible.
At this point I’m not annoyed or angry. I’m too old now for something like that to even register on my radar. Plus I’m used to seeing that “I hate my job, the customers and my life!” attitude in people who work in the services industry.
So the reason for the post is what she said next. It caused me to feel something I’m still trying to pick apart and understand.
As I walked off she muttered under her breath… “loser!”…
It wasn’t just the word it was the tone of voice. In fact more the tone of voice than anything. A contamination of a word and emotion I havnt felt since the playground. Like she was that dumb and angry 15 year old girl and I was that introverted smart kid with good grades.
Like she would say it and then all her (fictitious) beta school friends would repeat it and that would somehow make her cool and powerful.
Just as her mouth closed from saying the word I first felt shock. Could this “girl” in her mid-late twenties still be that emotionally simple?
In that split second she was like an open book. Like all she ever had in life was to make her self feel better was to put others down. Like we all grew up and she was left behind.
I felt seriously confused. My mind just didn’t know how to process it.
Stranger still she had that look of self satisfaction on her face after. Like becuase she said it she was definitely better than me now.
In the mean time while my brain tried to find a set of emotions to describe itself my internal monologue began.
I felt ridiculous before I even started. I’m used to comparing myself to my pears at university for motivation. I go to one of the best Engineering University in the word. Had I spent too much time with these guys that special had just become normal!?
No this is out of place for anyone her age.
I though about telling her how I was signed the first time to a record label at 19. That my perfect A level exam score puts me in the top 6% of people in the world. But this line of thinking still didn’t lead me to how I really felt. It just made me feel stupid just to think it.
Maybe to understand stupid you need to feel stupid.
There was so much irony in who she chose as a stranger to call a loser.
I then started to think about that maybe her emotional immaturity was one of the reasons she has been left working one of the lowest jobs society has to offer. I could tell she wasn’t brightest fish in the sea. Maybe this is a clue as to how she ended up working as a hotel receptionist.
But this still didn’t get down to understanding how I felt… and now I just feel bad for thinking about her that way. Even though she might deserve a reality check.
It all just went without saying untill I was was left with an emotion that went without an explanation.
Am I angry? I’m defiantly confused. A little shocked… and I kind of feel bad for her. But there is still something… something more I cant describe. This feeling I don’t understand.
I guess I’m just not used to not understanding myself.