I’m not perfect. Today was another day in life that I was reminded existence can be painful. Its easy when you feel negative emotion to find the negatives in the situation. Like somehow you are better off for things going the way they did. Or to think the people are somehow not worth your time.
In a strange way I feel like it would make me feel better to now find a way to also cause this person pain as-well. Or to at least sit here and think about everything that is wrong with this person. Until I am completely sure I am better off without them.
I have to remind myself that pain from pain is never the solution. Its just a cheap tool that will only make me feel slightly better. After all for as long as my mind obsesses on mental revenge my mind will also be filled with negative emotions. Creating more problems for myself that at some point I will have to deal with. In the long term its probably best to find peace now and not later. There is also that obvious point that hurting people just because I am hurting is part of everything that is wrong with the world.
It might be time to put some music on and concentrate on my emotions for a while. Once I gain an understanding of exactly how I feel and why I feel that way I will normally feel ready to move on with life.
On a side note I seem to be experiencing emotions diffidently recently. I feel the pain just as I would before but somehow I just don’t believe in the emotions mentally. Like my mind has moved on with how it processes the world but I’m still waiting for my body to catch up.
I had a dream I was in a black room. With in the room every object was black. After some time and a growing scene of depredation from all the black I felt the need to escape. This room had no windows or doors.
As I looked around the room I found that each black object seem to represent a bad deed of some kind. For some reason these where the deeds of other people and not myself.
I stared to find ways of putting the black objects together to somehow break out of the room or gain some understanding of it. Simply at first but then more complexly over time.
Just as I started to make progress I heard a voice ask “How can you use such ugly deeds to get your own way?” and ” Don’t you feel ashamed?”.
“Yes!” I replied”…but these are the only objects I have!” and with that, I woke up.
You’re in pain
You feel hopeless
You feel it will never end
and you don’t know how to stop it
It’s ok.. its ok because I’m going to help you…
but then I realise I must have forgotten for a moment….
I’m in pain
I feel hopeless
I feel it will never end
and I don’t know how to stop it
Why is there no power in my hands?
Music….I just need to taste another emotional concept.
If music was considered a drug I would have a serious problem. It might be years of emotional training learning to produce electronic music. I only feel complete when I’m working on music. Having a idea in the back of my mind. As it forms from one spark of inspiration into a complete concept. To then be turned into a reality as I sit at my computer.
I feel like the god of sound. I have been working on this track since I got up. it’s 4am now and I just need to open it up again. To taste what I made and fix that one problem.
Listing to music is different to me. I know I can hear things others can’t. I get the normal emotional high most people get when they listen to music. I also though get another level. As I appropriate the musical concepts. Trying to reverse engineering some of the production. Pulling out tools in my mind trying to work out how that one sound or effect was created.
I burn through music too fast these days. I can find music as fast as I can play it to death. I feel like a vampire trying to absorb all the musical ideas I can.
The pleasure that comes from success in the music is unreal. The feeling of putting your name on a contract feels like stepping onto a different plain of existence. Like suddenly you’re flying… forever…. Until it fades and I’m left looking for the next come-up. None of this life is another for me now… I need to get the next trophy.
Until next time I will hold on to what I have already won.
I like to think of people and the way they work as puzzles. We go trough life picking up different pieces and try to get them to fit with the rest of our picture. Sometimes we don’t get it quite right. Mashing pieces together in a way they are not suppose to fit. As time goes on though we slowly complete more of the puzzle.
Then two people meet. You might look at the other person and believe they are stupid or horrible because they don’t have some of the puzzle pieces you feel are most important. From the other side they are looking at you in the same way. They also have pieces they feel are important that you don’t have.
We all know of this relationship starts. You clash on every point and don’t get along. What’s interesting though is how this relationship ends. As time goes on you see the pieces you are missing in the other person. You might not understand them at first and they sit waiting to be added to you puzzle or be discarded.
Then life happens as it tends to and you see the importance of the new pieces. Suddenly you have completed another section of the puzzle.
The most interesting thing about this process is how you add importance to these new sections.
Your new friend might have a section that’s picture shows you should never share too much of what you have. This might be because this person was taken advantage once so this became a important part of their personality.
On the other hand you might organise the pieces differently as you place them. That you should still share what you have but be on the look out for people who will take advantage of that. This might be because you where once in a position where you needed someone to share with you but know-body did because there was no trust.
Both of you have made different but completely logical decisions. From the position you are both at not one of you can be said to be smarter than the other. Now together if you have to share out sweets you will do a much better job. Complimenting each-other in every-way you clash.
I love this tool for thinking about people. It’s also fun to think about the puzzle itself. The puzzle is best thought of as every possible experience. It would be impossible to have every piece and the pieces you do have affect the way you see the other pieces. Giving everyone a different personality.
A picture of a animal graveyard is a sad image untill you place it next to a picture of Seeing Eye Dog Training Centre.
What excites me is what picture I will have in the end. The moment of my death becoming the moment I can see the most of the picture to try and understand it.
He said “you seem pleased with yourself all the time”. I really don’t think it was supposed to be a compliment.
“In fact… I’m pleased with being pleased with myself. Like a never ending loop of pretentious happiness.” I said.
He just laughed. I could though see in his eyes that in that moment he wanted nothing more in this world than to take my happiness from me.
If only he could see the world as I do. Because I’m sick of seeing the world trough the eyes of people like this.
I was so into ideas. I just wanted to contemplate on new ideas just to see the beauty in them. Every new day and situation was just another note in the symphony of life. To wonder in seeing a hidden contradiction or an obvious compliment.
I never thought It would be as dangerous as this just open your mind to new ideas. My favorite thing in the world was perspective. To see the world from another person point of view. Unfortunately you also see the negatives in life. Even if something negative can be butifull you can’t unsee the world from that point of view. You become forever changed by it. Forever a million ideas in the back of my mind telling me the world is…
I feel I can’t find a word to end that sentence.
So im forced now to deal with these new ideas. Forced my my own need to see more in the world. Now I feel in a way that I don’t want to see anything anymore. Curiosity killed me because this is too cheesy of a sentence.
So the question I’m left with is where do I go from here? As much as I love to see the world in new ways I would be better off in one way to close my mine. Like the happy fool who sits on the hill.
But now I want to say that there can be solutions in indecision. The problem is that it was my open mind that learn that.