I feel like my mind ran off into a futuristic wonderland of ideas a a long time ago now but my emotions still think I’m 13 years old. I wish my body could catch up and produce emotions that represent my mental state. For once can I just buy toiletries at the supermarket without feeling embarrassed… just once… Common body we have been doing this for years now and everyone poops.
So anxiety got me down today. It was one of my oldest friends birthday and he wanted to go out or drinks. No big deal right… So the time comes and I jump into a taxi to a local pub. I had never been there before and walking in the first thing I noticed was that the place was a bit of a dive. To my mind this was no problem though because the crowd looked friendly and hey, I grew up drinking in pubs like this.
So I make way way out to the back garden to see my close friend with about 7 other people. As I walked over to the table I was greeted with a bit of a shout and a friendly “Hey” from the group.
Apart from my friend who was celebrating his birthday I wouldn’t really say the other people where my friends. More friends of a friend. Though we had spent enough time together that I knew them all quite well and I liked them. After the hello two of them came with me to the bar to grab some drinks and we had the normal catch up. We talked a little music and I was happy.
So thinking about it this looks like it could be a good time right? Nothing wrong… So why as soon as I sit back down with my first drink was I hit with absolutely crushing anxiety. Seriously body. Why would you do this to me. There was nothing out of place and I didn’t have a worry on my mind. I was happy before and now suddenly this for no reason.
The first thing I note is that the anxiety is so bad that people can see it. My hand is shaking just a little and there is no way I can hide the other effects. After getting annoyed by that I try to calm myself down, focus inward and take a few slow deep breaths. No luck… after a few minutes pass this didn’t even make a dent in the way I feel. As more time passes I try not to let the other effects of the anxiety wind me up. I can only just follow the conversation now and any attempt to string together sentences and join in would be impossible.
I feel some anger come on as I realise it would be imposable to be my bubbly talkative self. All I can expect from myself now is zombie… mindless phone in face zombie.
I’m not sure what was hurting me more at this point.. that fact that I must look like a social retard or the pain in my stomach and chest… no wait its the anxiety, yep defiantly the anxiety.
So I’m half way through my first drink and there is no way out of this. I would give anything to stay and have a good time but the pain has gone over the point I can bear it and I give in. I finish my drink and tell my friend that I’m feeling a cold coming on and want to get a good night sleep. Now I just have to grit my teeth untill the taxi gets here in half a hour. I didn’t feel better until I got out of the taxi nearly a hour later.
I felt so angry and disappointed. I think I felt angry and ashamed at what just happened for a few hours after I got home. It’s rare for me to let life get me down but this just got to me. All I wanted was to a have a good night. Just a few hours of being a normal person. Instead for no reason I have a crippling anxiety attack. I think I was more angry at GOD TBH. It was the classic why do you just let these bad things happen to me.
I normally like to end my posts with something bright or clever. Sadly I can’t this time. I didn’t lean anything from this situation. All there was to lean is life can be cruel and I’m sick of that lesson. There was nothing I could have done differently. I could have tried to bear the pain to see if it would pass but from experience I know that would be unlikely. It just was not my day.